Here's the problem. You're a vampire, zombie, gargoyle, shambler, sphinx, or other creature, and you're going to Disneyland. But all the guidebooks are written for humans. What's a tentacled aberration to do? Salvation (well, not really) has arrived!
Just destroyed Tokyo? Hurled souls to Hell? Gobbled down some brains? You deserve a vacation. And where better than the Happiest (a scary, eye-popping kind of happy) Place on Earth. Sure, Disneyland is for kids, and their families, and human beings in general, but the company does have super-secret guidelines for creatures of the night, denizens of shadow dimensions, mutants on leave from government research facilities, and related beasts, brutes, and bigfeet.
At enormous risk to his own sanity, Dominick Cancilla obtained a copy of Disney's rules for handling these very special guests. From alchemists to zombies, it's an A-Z forbidden compendium of the horrors that stalked your childhood nightmares, and now may be standing next to you in line for Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
With entries for over 150 types of creatures, as well as helpful trigger warnings and "heads-up" (sometimes with two or three heads) about potentially offensive stereotypes at the parks, plus touring advice and practical guidance about when you should and should not make use of any special powers or indulge in any horrific urges, this book has been endorsed by both intra- and inter-dimensional travelers, and consistently tops the New York Slime's bestseller list.
Even if you're not a monst... (oops! that's the "m word!"), you'll enjoy Cancilla's dark humor and sly wit. And you'll learn a lot about Disneyland as well, though most of it isn't true—or is it?
Disneyland A-Z Creature Codex
Alchemists and Potion Concoctors
Angels and Fallen Angels
Animal and Plant Communicators and Commanders
Anthropomorphic Animals and Muppets
Astral Projectors and Remote Viewers
Bad Boys Turning into Donkeys
Blobs and Amorphous Individuals
Brains and Heads in Jars
Companions of the Undetectable
Duplicates and Replacements
Elementals and Element Commanders
Fairies and Pixies
Ghosts and Spirits
Heffalumps and Woozles
Homicidal Living Puppets
Immortals and Ancients
Island of Dr. Moreau Residents
Jedi and Sith
Lumberers, Shamblers, and Slow Walkers
Mistresses of All Evil
Nac Mac Feegle
Nocturnals and Night Creatures
Nymphs and Satyrs
Parallel Universe Dwellers
Persons of Compact Size
Person with Natural Parentage
Photography Avoiders and Unphotographables
Precognitives and Sensitives
Robotic Law Enforcement Agents
Robots and Androids
Satyrs and Nymphs
Science Mishap Combos
Shape Changers and Shapeshifters
Skeletons and Other Bone Creatures
Skulls and Skull Heads
Television and Movie Characters
Unnoticeables and Forgettables
Very Hungry Caterpillars
Wizards and Other Adepts of Supernatural Science
If you are interested in a Disneyland vacation, there are literally hundreds of books and web sites that can help you pick a hotel, plan an itinerary, and fine-tune every aspect of your magical experience. Most people assume that with all of those resources available, the needs of every possible type of Disney visitor must be considered in at least one of them. If you’re reading this book, then you know that is not the case.
In 2013, a friend of the author was considering a summer vacation at Disney, but couldn’t find the answers to some questions that weighed heavily on his mind. Would he be able to bring his coffin? Would he be safe in his room from deadly sunlight? Was there any consecrated ground he’d have to avoid? This guide is intended to provide the answers to questions from our friend and others with exceptionally special needs that are overlooked by travel guides that cater purely to a human audience.
There are so many quality resources in existence that we see no need to duplicate their content, so this guide does not include information that is freely available elsewhere (descriptions of ticket options, restaurant reviews, touring plans, hotel overviews, etc.). It also does not contain information on non-Disney properties, and has only limited information on seasonal and frequently changing performances. Finally, with few exceptions, this guide contains no advice or information regarding activities (such as feeding on humans) that are considered illegal, regardless of the arguable moral justification.
So, who specifically is this book for?
Disneyland for Vampires was written for creatures, supernaturals, and non-standard humans that want to spend time at the Disneyland Resort. Although we tried to be as inclusive as possible, there are three large groups that we do not address:
With a general word of thanks for the previous edition of this book, Barnabas Collins, from Collinsport, Maine, writes:
I thank you for recognizing that a vampire’s life is more than just drinking blood, seeing to the destruction of our enemies, and constantly attempting to hold at bay the hatred and fury swirling within. If it is my curse that everyone I love will die, doesn’t that assume my ability to love? And if I love, why wouldn’t I want to vacation with one I love?
Those who hate the living dead seek to destroy us, condemn us to wander forever in endless agony, or confine us to creepy old crypts all over the world, but we will find pleasure despite them, and I trust the joy of a Disney vacation will last longer than will the lives of my enemies.
After reading the general information at the front of this book, you can turn to those sections that apply to you personally. Keep in mind that there may be multiple sections that apply to you. For example, terminators will want to add both the “Robots and Androids” and “Time Travelers” sections to their database.
Although we attempt to use the politically correct terms “creatures” (for reanimated and non-humans), “supernaturals” (for beings with abilities that defy the supposed laws of nature), “humans” (for non-supernatural, standard human beings), and “specials” (for all sentient non-humans as a group), we aren’t particularly rigorous about it. These terms fall in and out of favor and we are terrible at keeping up with the latest sociopolitical trends. Sorry about that.
Now that we’ve annoyed the political activists, we might as well make a clean sweep of it by irritating the diehard Disneyland fans as well. To avoid what can easily become an overwhelming amount of repetition, we aren’t going to be pedantic about Disney-specific terms.
Finally, a word about a word: “etcetera.” We want to avoid having to type it everywhere and need you to help us have a meaningful guide without it. Very frequently we list examples to help clarify something. As these example lists are not to be considered exhaustive, we ask that you imagine that the word “etcetera” appears at the end of each example list. For example, if we said, “This attraction is not appropriate for creatures hungry for human flesh (ghouls, flesh-eating zombies, carnivorous plants),” we don’t mean to imply that there are not others who would enjoy a little human-based sustenance, and we aren’t intending to subtly insult brain suckers, psychic vampires, bore worms, and the like by not including them in the list.
Between the theme parks, hotels, and Downtown Disney, there are quite a few attractions, shops, and restaurants in the Disney resort. In this guide, we will be mentioning quite a few of them, but we will not be giving locations along with mentions (by, for example, always saying “the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland”). This would get tedious very quickly, and we assume that most readers will either know where in the Disneyland Resort these places are from their reading of other tour guides or can easily find that information online.
There was significant concern in the community when Pixar’s Monsters, Inc. was announced that Disney was making high-profile use of a term which is upsetting to many creatures. Fortunately, Disney has restricted the use of “the M-word” to references to characters from that movie, all of which are of such a fantastic (in the best sense of the word) nature that few in the community find them more than perhaps a little annoying.
Note that this rather rarefied attitude is particular to Disney and cannot be taken for granted throughout the theme park industry. If you are a jigsaw of human remains sewn together by hand and reanimated by raw energy and forbidden science, Universal Studios might call you a m------, but at Disneyland you will always be a guest.
In our experience, Monsters, Inc. is about as offensive to creatures as Mickey Mouse is to humans, so we will refer to them as Disney does when discussing Monsters, Inc. Mike & Sulley to the Rescue! and various parades and other entertainments that include the film’s characters.
Dominick Cancilla spent many years as a horror writer (with publication credits including dozens of short stories and one novel, Revanent Savior) before deciding that he should make better use of his near-fanatical obsession with everything about the Disney theme parks. Since that time, he has created two Disney web sites (HiddenLincolns.org and DisneyLies.com) and self-published several Disneyland-related books, including Liar’s Guide to Disneyland, the That’s Not At Disneyland! series, and 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts.”
Stepping into the boundless realm of the supernatural, Cancilla has combined his love of the horrific with his Disney fanaticism and written two travel guides for Disney’s most unusual guests.
Friendly toons. Nothing horrific about them. They won't stalk you, savage you, or smite you (unlike some of the other beasts in this book). But that doesn't mean that toons at Disneyland have an easy time of it.
Before we get started, a word of explanation is in order. We recognize that Claymation creations, photo-realistic computer-generated persons, and rotoscoped Americans all have particular needs and issues, but this section is concerned solely with what are referred to as traditional toons, such as those that established Toontown. This is because while, for example, an anime individual might pass for human with a little makeup and a large pair of sunglasses, toons by their nature have certain qualities unique to toonkind.
With what will be the last word on the subject for our purposes, a stop-motion-animated skeleton from Jason and the Argonauts writes:
Please remind your readers that there are all kinds of animated creatures and we all deserve equal consideration and respect. Don’t discriminate based on frame rate!
Counterintuitively, toons may have more difficulty vacationing at a Disney resort than almost any other non-human group. This is because although the parks seem like the perfect place for a toon to “let loose,” they are in reality just as socially restrictive as a circus or chamber of congress.
As a toon, you will need to keep the more impulsive elements of your nature strictly in check. For example:
Completely innocuous actions are acceptable, so make humorous observations or complete the singing of “Shave and a Haircut.”
Another thing you are welcome to do is order products from ACME and similar vendors if you have a need for something you forgot to pack. If your need is particularly urgent, there are mailboxes in most theme parks and hotels, so you can drop an order into one and hang around for a minute or so until the item you require is delivered. That said, many things you use in your day-to-day life are inappropriate on Disney property, including (but not limited to):
Continued in "Disneyland for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with Very Special Needs"!
Humans think they have it tough when contemplating the many dining option at Disneyland, and deciding where to eat. Imagine if your dietary needs include raw meat, synthesized precious metals, or food that does not cast a shadow. Ain't no ADR for that! Luckily, Dominick Cancilla has a few tips.
If you are solar, electric, nuclear, or simply don’t require sustenance, you can save a ton of money on a Disney vacation. For those who will be eating, a few things should be pointed out:
Brundlefly from the telepod warehouse wrote:
If you can’t eat in a way that resembles normal human eating, have meals in your room. All I wanted to do was have a simple turkey leg, but the moment I excreted my digestive enzymes, people started vehemently (and, in some cases, reflexively) expressing disapproval.
Humans take gender separation very seriously. Female dwarves, identity-displaced individuals, shape shifters, and those in human disguise should use restrooms based on the gender humans think they present rather than the gender they identify with (if they have a gender at all). Yes, it is both grossly unfair and a moral outrage that you should be asked to do this, but it’s an unfortunate consequence of the sexism built into general human society. If you object to acting in this way or find it particularly burdensome, non-gendered family and assistance restrooms are available in most parks.
Continued in "Disneyland for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with Very Special Needs"!