Here's the problem. You're a vampire, zombie, gargoyle, shambler, sphinx, or other creature, and you're going to Disney World. But all the guidebooks are written for humans. What's a tentacled aberration to do? Salvation (well, not really) has arrived!
Just destroyed Tokyo? Hurled souls to Hell? Gobbled down some brains? You deserve a vacation. And where better than the Most Magical (not in a dark, necromantic way) Place on Earth. Sure, Disney World is for kids, and their families, and human beings in general, but the company does have super-secret guidelines for creatures of the night, denizens of shadow dimensions, mutants on leave from government research facilities, and related beasts, brutes, and bigfeet.
At enormous risk to his own sanity, Dominick Cancilla obtained a copy of Disney's rules for handling these very special guests. From alchemists to zombies, it's an A-Z forbidden compendium of the horrors that stalked your childhood nightmares, and now may be standing next to you in line for Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
With entries for over 160 types of creatures, as well as helpful trigger warnings and "heads-up" (sometimes with two or three heads) about potentially offensive stereotypes at the parks, plus touring advice and practical guidance about when you should and should not make use of any special powers or indulge in any horrific urges, this book has been endorsed by both intra- and inter-dimensional travelers, and consistently tops the New York Slime's bestseller list.
Even if you're not a monst... (oops! that's the "m word!"), you'll enjoy Cancilla's dark humor and sly wit. And you'll learn a lot about Walt Disney World as well, though most of it isn't true—or is it?
Walt Disney World A-Z Creature Codex
Alchemists and Potion Concoctors
Angels and Fallen Angels
Animal and Plant Communicators and Commanders
Anthropomorphic Animals and Muppets
Astral Projectors and Remote Viewers
Blobs and Amorphous Individuals
Brains and Heads in Jars
Companions of the Undetectable
Duplicates and Replacements
Elementals and Element Commanders
Fairies and Pixies
Frogs That Were Formerly Princes
Ghosts and Spirits
Heffalumps and Woozles
Homicidal Living Puppets
Immortals and Ancients
Island of Dr. Moreau Residents
Jedi and Sith
Lumberers, Shamblers, and Slow Walkers
Mistresses of All Evil
Nac Mac Feegle
Nocturnals and Night Creatures
Nymphs and Satyrs
Parallel Universe Dwellers
Persons of Compact Size
Person with Natural Parentage
Photography Avoiders and Unphotographables
Precognitives and Sensitives
Robotic Law Enforcement Agents
Robots and Androids
Satyrs and Nymphs
Science Mishap Combos
Shape Changers and Shapeshifters
Skeletons and Other Bone Creatures
Skulls and Skull Heads
Television and Movie Characters
Unnoticeables and Forgettables
Very Hungry Caterpillars
Wizards and Other Adepts of Supernatural Science
If you are interested in a Walt Disney World vacation, there are literally hundreds of books and web sites that can help you pick a hotel, plan an itinerary, and fine-tune every aspect of your magical experience. Most people assume that with all of those resources available, the needs of every possible type of Disney visitor type must be considered in at least one of them. If you’re reading this book, then you know that is not the case.
In 2013, a friend of the author was considering a summer vacation at Disney but couldn’t find the answers to some questions that weighed heavily on his mind. Would he be able to bring his coffin? Would he be safe in his room from deadly sunlight? Was there any consecrated ground he’d have to avoid? This guide is intended to provide the answers to questions from our friend and others with exceptionally special needs that are overlooked by travel guides that cater purely to a human audience.
There are so many quality resources already in existence that we see no need to duplicate their content, so this guide does not include information that is freely available elsewhere (descriptions of ticket options, restaurant reviews, touring plans, hotel overviews, etc.). It also does not contain information on non-Disney properties, and has only limited information on seasonal and frequently changing performances. Finally, with few exceptions, this guide contains no advice or information regarding activities (such as feeding on humans) that are considered illegal, regardless of the arguable moral justification.
So, who specifically is this book for?
Walt Disney World for Vampires was written for creatures, supernaturals, and non-standard humans that want to spend time at Disney World. Although we tried to be as inclusive as possible, there are three large groups that we do not address:
With a general word of thanks for the previous edition of this book, Barnabas Collins, from Collinsport, Maine, writes:
I thank you for recognizing that a vampire’s life is more than just drinking blood, seeing to the destruction of our enemies, and constantly attempting to hold at bay the hatred and fury swirling within. If it is my curse that everyone I love will die, doesn’t that assume my ability to love? And if I love, why wouldn’t I want to vacation with one I love?
Those who hate the living dead seek to destroy us, condemn us to wander forever in endless agony, or confine us to creepy old crypts all over the world, but we will find pleasure despite them, and I trust the joy of a Disney vacation will last longer than will the lives of my enemies.
After reading the general information at the front of this book, you can turn to those sections that apply to you personally. Keep in mind that there may be multiple sections that apply to you. For example, terminators will want to add both the “Robots and Androids” and “Time Travelers” sections to their database.
Although we attempt to use the politically correct terms “creatures” (for reanimated and non-humans), “supernaturals” (for beings with abilities that defy the supposed laws of nature), “humans” (for non-supernatural, standard human beings), and “specials” (for all sentient non-humans as a group), we aren’t particularly rigorous about it. These terms fall in and out of favor and we are terrible at keeping up with the latest sociopolitical trends. Sorry about that.
Now that we’ve annoyed the political activists, we might as well make a clean sweep of it by irritating the diehard Disney fans as well: To avoid what can easily become an overwhelming amount of repetition, we aren’t going to be pedantic about Disney-specific terms.
Finally, a word about a word: “etcetera.” We want to avoid having to type it everywhere and need you to help us have a meaningful guide without it. Very frequently we list examples to help clarify something. As these example lists are not to be considered exhaustive, we ask that you imagine that the word “etcetera” appears at the end of each example list. For example, if we said, “This attraction is not appropriate for creatures hungry for human flesh (ghouls, flesh-eating zombies, carnivorous plants),” we don’t mean to imply that there are not others who would enjoy a little human-based sustenance, and we aren’t intending to subtly insult brain suckers, psychic vampires, bore worms, and the like by not including them in the list.
Between the theme parks, hotels, water parks, golf courses, and Disney Springs, there are quite a few attractions, shops, and restaurants in the Disney World. In this guide, we will be mentioning quite a few of them, but we will not be giving locations along with mentions (by, for example, always saying “The Haunted Mansion in the Magic Kingdom”). This would get tedious very quickly, and we assume that most readers will either know where in Disney World these places are from their reading of other tour guides or can easily find that information online.
There was significant concern in the community when Pixar’s Monsters, Inc. was announced that Disney was making high-profile use of a term which is upsetting to many creatures. Fortunately, Disney has restricted the use of the M-word to references to characters from that movie, all of which are of such a fantastic (in the best sense of the word) nature that few in the community find them more than perhaps a little annoying.
Note that this rather rarefied attitude is particular to Disney and cannot be taken for granted throughout the theme park industry. If you are a jigsaw of human remains sewn together by hand and reanimated by raw energy and forbidden science, Universal Studios might call you a m------, but at Disney World you will always be a guest.
In our experience, Monsters, Inc. is about as offensive to creatures as Mickey Mouse is to humans, so we will refer to them as Disney does when discussing Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor, monsters, and various parades and other entertainments that include the film’s characters.
The Mistress of the Dark from Hollywood, California, writes:
I’m as familiar as anyone with the problem of “monster” stereotypes. If you really want to turn the creature ignorance up to eleven, visit Sci-Fi Dine-In Theater Restaurant. The place has an endless loop of film playing constantly on its faux drive-in-theater screen that runs the gamut of offensive stereotypes. If you want to know anything about real monsters, this place is a bust (and I would know!).
Dominick Cancilla spent many years as a horror writer (with publication credits including dozens of short stories and one novel, Revenant Savior) before deciding that he should make better use of his near-fanatical obsession with everything about the Disney theme parks.
Since that time, he has created two Disney web sites (HiddenLincolns.org and DisneyLies.com) and self-published several Disneyland-related books, including Liar’s Guide to Disneyland, the That’s Not At Disneyland! series, and 396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland “Facts.”
Stepping into the boundless realm of the supernatural, Cancilla has combined his love of the horrific with his Disney fanaticism and written two travel guides for Disney’s most unusual guests.
Although Disney World doesn't require that guests have heads, it's generally expected that you'll have more above your shoulders than empty space. If you don't, you shouldn't lose your head over it (or lose it again): you can still have a magical time.
You’re going to need a head, and a jack-o-lantern isn’t going to cut it. Animatronics, polymorphs, and illusions are all good options.
With a creative idea in the head department, a Hessian horseman from Sleepy Hollow writes:
If you are attending a Halloween event, consider teaming up with a head in a jar. The first time I did this with my friend Gideon, I let him ride with his jar in a special collar between my shoulders. We got more into it the next two years, once by dressing us up like a diver with a water-filled helmet, and once with a really neat Hatbox Ghost costume that drew appreciative murmurs..
I heard about a headless woman who dressed up like Madame Leota’s body for Halloween, but apparently most people didn’t get the reference and it’s really hard to explain your costume when you don’t have a mouth.
If you are touchy on the subject of beheadings, you might want to avoid the Haunted Mansion. The mansion has multiple references to decapitation, including an attic filled with pictures of people who suffered death at the hands of their axe-wielding bride and—in the final graveyard scene—a decapitated ghost holding his own singing head and standing with the axe man who presumably gave him the opportunity to do so.
Continued in "Walt Disney World for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with Very Special Needs"!
Witches are part of the Disney character pantheon, but generally they're of the nasty, ugly, turn-you-into-something sort, and so your presence in Disney World may cause guests discomfort, revulsion, and dislodge scary memories from their childhoods. As long as you leave the broom, the apple, and the warts at home, you can still have a reasonably good time in the parks.
Not including Wiccans or space children with witch-like abilities.
The first and most important rule when on vacation is this: no cursing. With a lesson learned, a nameless enchantress from France writes:
A little rainstorm broke out while I was walking down Main Street on my vacation. Not wanting to get wet, I offered a young man a lovely rose if he’d let me share a doorway with him. He rather curtly refused, so I turned him into a beast and transformed everyone he was traveling with into sentient park souvenirs.
Soon park security intervened. Apparently, there is no longer any appreciation for the classics and I was forced to turn him back without even waiting to see if he could learn to love. How disappointing.
Tied for first place in the “don’t do this” category is eating children. Rosina Leckermaul from Germany writes:
I got caught looking at rows upon rows of empty strollers like a starving woman gazing longingly at a field of empty popcorn buckets. It was humiliating.
A few more minor cautions:
One advantage you have over others at a resort is that, as a witch, you float. Use this talent to great effect in pools and water parks.
If wearing a pointy hat is your style, you will find that its wide brim does a great job of protecting you from the sun, but beware that it may frequently run afoul of doorways, trees, and permanent umbrellas, and will have to be removed on most attractions and for most shows.
I have a tip for any witch who is married to a mortal that does not approve of her using her powers. Go ahead and cast protections against blisters, sunburn, and anything else you like on yourself and your children. Your husband doesn’t have to know and who needs that kind of discomfort? Besides, it serves him right.
See also “Wizards and Adepts of Supernatural Science,” “Familiars,” “Alchemists and Potion Concoctors,” and “Water Sensitives” (as appropriate).
Continued in "Walt Disney World for Vampires, Zombies, and Others with Very Special Needs"!